At night nowadays, I lie awake and the same spontaneous stomach dropping I used to get all the time as a child comes back. It's like trying to fall asleep on a Sunday night used to be, after staying up as long as possible with my dad watching documentaries about African wildlife, trying to forget about school the next day. Thinking about going to work tomorrow is making my stomach sink and a strange fear take over. It's like being a kid again, in the worst way.

Every time I come in here to write, I'm paralyzed by how stupid and narcissistic this writing-about-yourself is, but then I say, Everyone's doing it, it's okay, I can wait to grow up a little bit longer, because somehow I associate the self-absorption of blogs with naivete. Of course it doesn't have to be about me, but I'm currently not embroiled in any particular drama outside of myself, or engaging like I should be with the world around me. This is what I have to give.

I wrote a friend a letter, upon her suggestion. Mostly because I like crafting letters. I typed it, then I handwrote it, then I handwrote it again adding more things I wanted to say, until the letter was something I was minorly proud of. Times like these make it so clear to me how important process, revision, reworking is. It was good to take that source of pride and mail it off, knowing I will never see it again and being okay with that.
I mention this because I wish I knew people that were similarly willing to write letters at the mere suggestion of it. I don't even care who, I just want to have a conversation. A good conversation. I want to meet more people who like good conversations and are patient and gentle about having them. I want to exchange ideas softly, without contention, arguments. I think I just want to talk to a sponge-people that doesn't exist.
Anyway, I'm skeptical whether or not I'll get one back.

I want this more than anything because it's one of the things I can't attain because I am often impatient, surly, antisocial, and inarticulate. It's one of those things that I keep reiterating over and over in different ways: let's talk, let's talk.